no.17
Here I sit!
on the highway by your place.
I can still hear the rain on the roof.
I still feel the weight of your ugly ass lies sitting heavy on my chest
But really they should be on your frame.
But really they should be very, very heavy
Pressed against your ribs
digging into your fucking bones
but they aren’t and I know they won’t be
You truly have never given yourself that amount of grace
The grace to know what love is
And what it feels like
and how it stings
What it means to be forgiven after you’re actually fucking sorry
Many years passed and I still look at those same spots at the park
I see shadows on the concrete that aren’t there anymore.
I know what it feels like to grieve someone alive and I will say
I’ve quite enjoyed the process.
Not the pain, not the fake
No, the real!
Because watching you unfold into an array of true colors has been the most validating
fucking thing
I have ever witnessed.
That mask!
I can’t even see who the fuck
you are
anymore
I hope it feels good.
I hope it feels snug pressed against your upturned nose.
I threw mine away the other day!
I decided masks were for Jim Carrey and people who play house with their cousins
When I told you
I was sorry
I didn’t mean for you.
I meant for me.
I’m sorry that I spent so much time believing your lies.
I’m sorry I fed into your fucking delusions.
It’s comical, really.
you are desperate to detach, but you crave to be fucking seen.
you catch every pair of eyes that you can
you mimic who allows it,
while you point fingers at the rest
You’ve sowed your rotten fucking seeds just about everywhere
Just don’t be mad when
one by one.
I take my trowel and
dig
them
up.
So call me a stalker,
As I sit on the throne that I made.
Call me obsessed!
as I roll another joint for the jesters.
Tell everyone how vile and awful I was
while I kiss the King goodnight!
They can listen and I’m sure they will!
bottom line, they will see
some already have
and I
‘bout bit the tip of my tongue off,
trying not to say
“well I told you so!”
So here we go again
you must be bored
you must be angry.
You must be searching for some thing to validate who you are
because you don’t know who you are
you never have.
Not as long as I have known of you.
and until you’ve burned that fucking mask that you cling to so tightly,
You won’t know her.
so as for you and me, we will continue to pray for each other!
I will pray that you find your way in this mean world and that
nobody does
what you did to me.
And you can continue to pray on whatever the fuck you think is gonna get you one up in the world.
We are not the same.
