no.1
tiptaptiptap
On the front door that we never use…
I don’t think I recognize you, I have no clue what you are here for…
You make no reaction when I approach,
It could be that you don’t recognize me either.
There you are and here I am.
All that separates us is a diamond of thick, frosted glass.
If I press my face against it, maybe you can see the scar.
The one that makes me still me…
Am I?
Still me?
I have the same scars, sure, but my teeth have been wired into different parts of my gums, my face is decorated with punctures, my hair is different colors, my body is marked, my…
Sure, I have changed.
But, I think I am still me…
So why do you sit there?
Out in the cold on the stoop
Instead of under the porch on the swing, at least.
No, you stay put…
I think you want to come in,
It is warm in here,
We eat spoonfuls of Sweet ‘N Low and chicken salad (yes, with the red apples!)
We watch public access and she has dial up (yes, even all the way out here!)
We sing my favorite song along with the magnet on the fridge (yes, every single time we walk by!)
Of course, You would love to be in here!
So why are you out there all by yourself?
Oh, I must have locked you out!
I am sorry,
I will turn both locks in opposite directions, I get confused because he installed them upside down, I didn’t mean to keep it locked, like I said, we don’t usually use the front door, you could have come around the carport, I know you are probably tired-
Wait-
Why aren’t you coming in?
Oh, I have to open the door!
I am so sorry,
I will open it quickly, I get scared because he doesn’t like us leaving the door open, I didn’t realize how heavy it was, like I said, I am trying to open it quickly, you could have opened it if you want to, I know you are probably nervous-
Wait-
The door is wide open,
there is nothing but a pot of pink caladiums,
A tree or two in the distance,
The reeds with sharp leaves that I am not allowed to touch in front of an overgrown gravel road…
Where did she go?
I swear she was right here…
A little longer, then I go…
Seconds turn into moments…
So I shut the door,
Fiddle with both locks,
Turn around,
Sit on the green footstool,
I can’t believe I missed the end of Dragon Tales.
tiptaptiptap
On the front door that we never use…
I still don’t recognize you, I still have no clue what you are here for…
Pausing Cyberchase is not an option,
That is for DvDs and I always get in trouble for scratching them anyways,
So I ignore her (since my cousins are coming over and I will have to turn it off.)
tiptaptiptap
Why won’t she go away?
I can’t stand the noise!
He is deaf so he won’t mind the TV being loud,
So I turn it up with the buttons on the front (since they don’t have a remote.)
tiptaptiptap
Hmmm…
The volume is all the way up.
TIPTAPTIPTAP
Should I be scared?
TIPTAPTIPTAP
She isn’t going away…
TIPTAPTIPTAP
TIPTAPTIPTAP
TIPTAPTIPTAP
Eventually, back to the door I go.
The image is still the same:
A figure.
Surely I know her…
TIPTAPTIPTAP
It is dark now and the cartoons ended a little while ago.
She is still outside, despite my randomly timed glances,
Tapping every once in a while,
I guess to let me know she is still there…
TIPTAPTIPTAP
By this point it is pitch black.
There is no way I can sleep like this,
So I approach the door one last time.
Funnily enough,
I can actually make out her features now.
She is young, very young.
I thought she was grown,
But no,
She is teeny-tiny!
She looks at me with coffee brown eyes,
I see something in them that I know well.
It is pain.
Her smile has crooked teeth,
Her face has no holes that aren’t supposed to be there,
Her hair is somehow light and dark,
Her body is free of all but very sparse freckles,
And she has a scar…
Under her left eye,
Right on her cheek,
Small but deep.
Finally,
I think I recognize her…
That little girl is me!
I felt so much guilt for hesitating.
I left her out in the cold!
She is six years old, she is traumatized and scared, she needed someone and I wasn’t there, I couldn’t open the door fast enough, I waited, I procrastinated, I-
Wait-
Suddenly, the frosted glass is a mirror,
and she is my reflection.
There she is, and here I am.
We are one in the same.
I touched the scar on my face.
My teeth felt jagged against my tongue,
No metal in my peripheral,
Natural highlights cascaded down past my chest,
And on my hands were no stick and pokes.
I sat with myself for hours,
Never once hearing any
tiptaptiptaps.
I think they are gone, now…
I was scared to open the door, I can admit that.
I have been hurt before in a place I thought was safe!
I wasn’t sure who was on the other side!
I had trouble opening it!
Truth is the door is optional, we never even use it.
She would never harm me, nor would I her!
I know exactly who she is!
I have no problem being me!
Life goes on and on,
I might lose teeth,
Or pierce my nose,
Or dye my hair,
Or tattoo my skin…
But there she is,
Here,
I am.
